What's Bigger Than My Very First Newsletter?

Welcome!

Thank you for being a subscriber for my very first “newsletter.” I use the word newsletter loosely because I think the concept is a little worn and I don’t want you to think for one second that this is going to be anything you’re used to.

As I’m learning to use this platform, this week and the next few will be kind of like two friends learning to roller skate together, lots of fumbles, maybe even falls, but tons of laughs and eventually, we’re gonna get this right. Like really right. We’re going to be the newsletter equivalent of this:

So, what do you think?

Ok, not now, but after you’ve read something below that sparks your interest or makes you smile, or laugh, or think. Odds are, someone else feels the same and this is how great conversations begin! I’m looking forward to hearing from you (like, really, really). So, after you read, let’s have the afterparty in the comments. Deal?

Ok, so here goes…my very first “newsletter.”

What 2020 Taught Me About Friendship and Community.

At some point, in the middle of 2020, everything in my apartment felt like silence. Nothing about my senses had changed, just that the stillness and emptiness of isolation was starting to feel like my world was self-erasing. Randomly, I received an Instagram message from Ben (name changed), a writer friend of a friend who I’d met many months prior at a birthday party. He wanted me to know that he’d finally read my book and that he wanted to talk to me about it. If I was interested, we’d do a masked walking coffee chat near the beach.

I was single, but I didn’t say yes because I was looking to date anyone. I just needed connection and conversation beyond what was happening on Clubhouse and CNN. So, while petrified and masked-up, I set out to meet Ben, near the beach, picking up a mobile-ordered coffee along the way.

On that first visit, Ben and I walked seven slow miles together. We talked shop, about our respective projects. He told me what he liked about my book, which I found interesting as a male perspective, and I told him what I liked about his television pilot idea and asked to read the script. For all the small talk, there was one big question that loomed over everything - what about next week? Or, would this be it?

Somehow, at the end of a cordial three hours, in the midst of a pandemic, Ben and I decided to risk our lives and meet up again. Two weeks turned into nearly twenty (so far) of same-day, same-time meet ups. Walking turned into sitting by the beach in collapsable chairs that we carry down to the shoreline. And now, we don’t just talk about our projects. We talk about real life - the weight of isolation, impostor syndrome with our work, fears of failure and success, the need to start working out, and many times race and our experiences of it (Ben is a cis-gendered white male - you already know me).

In the course of developing this very unexpected friendship, I learned a few things about friendship and community. Pre-COVID and 2020, I’d never had to think about creating community or sustaining friendships. Community seemed to be as accessible as the beach in Southern California. You could always go somewhere and connect with someone, and usually, that would be enough. The nature and quality of those connections didn’t rise to the forefront because there were so many of these frequent, small contacts, and everyone was otherwise so busy. It was just enough not to feel a need. But take away the ability to go out, and all you’re left with is either what’s an obligation, or what you create. Single and with no children, my obligations were few, so to really thrive, I needed to get to work on creating. And my relationship with Ben became the masterclass.

First.

First, it’s built on consistency. There was a comfort knowing that if I made the investment weekly to show up, Ben would also. I started to feel an obligation to him. To be there; to be dependable. It made me feel good and important. Knowing I was needed made me find a way to be consistent. So, we picked a day, and a time it became an obligation, a calendared event.

Second.

Second, you do need something in common, but connection goes deeper than that. At first, Ben and I start to connect over our writing. For weeks, that was all we talked about. But, at some point, comfort came in knowing that he’d be there. That comfort created trust and our conversations expanded to the deeper aspects of life - the universal things.

Third.

Third, it was based on fulfilling a need. Ben and I both had a need to connect, to get feedback, to have intelligent conversation. In all honesty, we both needed to know that someone else was there, waiting for us and that we were still real.

It’s this relationship that gave me the confidence to start this newsletter. I knew that we (you and I) at least (likely) had BGMDE in common, and that maybe I could deliver the goods on fulfilling a need or providing an insight. But perhaps most important, I realized I can be consistent and that just that can sometimes be enough.

As we’re all starting to get back into the ability to commune again, it may be hard to find your way back to in-person friendships, and especially those that might have withered while we’ve been in the “panorama.” Taking a page from my relationship with Ben, the first thing I’ve started to do with those people who I’ve been distanced from for too long for it to be comfortable to have any expectations, is to offer a schedule - a fixed and set time every week to meet, even if just for an hour. Somehow, just the simple act of making that obligation to one another starts to bridge the divide of time apart.

Big Question for You.

How are your relationships doing? Is there anything that’s been working for you to jumpstart old connections or make meaningful new ones?

What’s Inspiring Me.

Connecting with readers has been one of my favorite things to do. Pre-2020, I was able to do a small in-person tour of three cities. Last year, we went virtual. In a future newsletter, I’ll have to tell you about the rainbow of faces that I had the opportunity to get to know, explore with and discuss not just my own book, but life itself, all around the world. And believe it or not, the markers on the map only reflect half of the groups! I believe that there is so much more that unites us than divides us, and my little map project is my small way of seeing tangibly just how true that is. Because we met virtually, I still need to reach out to a few bookclubs to get their location and add to the list. The map is a clickable link, so if you’re curious to see if your group is on there, please click through. And as I’m still working on this, if your bookclub read BGMDE, whether or not I attended your meeting, please send me a note so that I can add you to the map.

What I’m Reading.

Currently, I’m in editing for the Harper Perennial edition of BGMDE Book 2, so I don’t have as much time to read as I’d like. But, when I do, I’ve been reading Luster by Raven Leilani. First, I love a good book cover, so even before I’d heard the buzz about it, this was on my TBR list. I’m not far enough into it yet to give a summary beyond the “official” summary (click through on the above link for Goodreads), but I will say that I’m very interested. The story follows a smaller world and focus for the protagonist than what I might be familiar with and the focus is on her evolving relationship with an unlikely partner…and his wife? Exactly. Very intriguing. As I make more headway, I’ll give you more of my thoughts.

What are you reading?

What I’m Writing.

I am fervently working on edits to the second BGMDE book that will be released in early 2022, following the new edition of BGMDE 1 on Aug. 3rd of this year. Although I was happy with what I could create independently with the BMGDE books, I have always wanted to be pushed further to find the next levels of excellence for it. Similar to having a trainer when you really want to get fit, it’s been a dream of mine to be able to wrestle gently with an editor on work that I love to get to the next level as a writer. So, while the process is its own type of grueling, I’m in the trenches learning, growing, and evolving to make an even better BGMDE 2. And…no spoilers, but there will definitely be some big newness coming along. Based on my experience with the new edition of BGMDE (currently in pre-order) I feel confident that this process will only make the final product even better and I can’t wait for the new cover!

What I’m Excited About.

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For April, I’m most excited about the keynote I’m giving at the upcoming Northern Colorado Writers Conference!

The topic is:

Honoring Your Creative Perspective: Why You Should Push Through to Finish

My Story and How I Almost Sold Zero Books

How to Understand Your Creative Mandate as Your Advantage

Why Diversity in Publishing is the Tide That Lifts All Boats

How to Turn No into Yes, Yes, and Yes

The Art of Keeping Going When You Feel Like Giving Up

The journey as a writer, as with many ambitions in life, often feels like a puzzle that was meant to be a stumper. There are moments where you believe you can’t do it, or someone important tells you “no” and that seems like it should be the end of the road. But, it’s not. It never is.

I’m most looking forward to condensing what I’ve learned so far into this talk for other writers. And, I’m looking forward to learning from the other presenters as we all deliver our earned wisdom, which I view as one of life’s greatest gifts.

Until next time…

Well, that’s all for this week and the very first Better. Life. Tribe. newsletter. I’m looking forward to discussing the Big Question with you and anything else I’ve covered this week. I owe you a section on “What My Self-Care Looks Like” but currently, it looks like me waiting on an order of skincare that I’m looking forward to sharing with you when I can take a photo! Works?

If you enjoyed this, please share with others, and help to build our Better. Life. Tribe!